They claimed she could leave her past behind
and she wanted to believe them
she really did
but memories clanged along behind her
loud and demanding attention
like tin cans
tied to the bumper of a car marked JUST MARRIED
It seemed that from dawn to dusk
she was rubbernecking
gawking at the carnage
of a childhood poorly spent
not by her
because what choices does a child really have
no,
others had spent
what should have been
hers
those carefree years
filled with joy
as she learned the ropes
on the climb to adulthood
What she’d learned
was that no matter
how carefully
she placed her hands and feet
there would always be someone,
someone waiting,
waiting to knock her down
get her on her back
or down on her knees
and force her to do
what no child should even have knowledge of
She was ruined
smeared with the acidic soot
of others’ burning desires
a child, ruined
who grew in to an adult
so scarred
that sometimes
when she looked in the mirror
she wasn’t even sure whose face
was looking back
and she wondered if
there was even a voice
among all those in her head
that belonged to that visage
It was an odd feeling
but one to which she’d grown accustom
to be there but not there
present
but also watching
always watching
keeping vigil
hoping to build a wall of safety
around what little was left
of the person
she was born to be
but no wall would ever be tall enough
to block out the memories
of what they’d done to her
and she couldn’t outrun
the cans tied to her
with unseen strings
that clattered with guilt
and pain
and shame
and soul ravaging fear
chasing her
always chasing her
no matter where she went
in wakefulness or sleep
And yet she went on,
went on hoping
that one day
those memories
would turn to dust
and drift away on a balmy breeze
and the face she saw
in that old cracked looking glass
would be her own
and she would finally find
that she really could leave her past behind
she wanted to believe it
she really did…
