Sleepless in Dubai

You invaded my dreams last night

When I awoke I couldn't remember them

but you

you lingered like the smell of a bad cigar

smoked
in a closed room

And then like a ghost

you haunted my day

until all I wanted to do
was break something

or drop to the floor 

and cry until I was sitting 

in a salty puddle

of my own making

I suppose I can't blame you

It was after all my dream

My subconscious

stirring up

what never seems to settle

It's been years

So many

they can be summarized in decades

I know you're gone

gone forever to me

but it was supposed to be the opposite

By your own lips

the opposite was promised

without qualifiers

or contractual exemptions

There were no amendments to our love

only exponents

that doubled and tripled

in ever increasing value

to both of us, I thought

Or maybe I was delusional

Maybe you mattered to me

far more than I did to you

And there I go again

Giving you the out

Leaving myself to wallow in the blame

It wasn't fair though

You must know that

And if I could haunt you back

you would think of me

the way you did

all those years ago

And you would burn for me

and have to be with me

Only this time

you'd be the powerless one

because this time

I would only come to you

in your dreams

and I would rattle my chains so loudly

you would never want to sleep again

Acid Rain

Your melodies

still play harmonies

on my heart strings

I don’t understand

how it is so

but your words

still drip

sometimes with

a soothing balm

sometimes with

acid

like the rain

that fell into the lake

killing all the fish

back in the long

hot days

of seventy

summers

when you sang

your songs

to me…

I Was Sorry

I forgot to tell you

it might rain

but you never warned me

it might end

You promised me forever

an unquenchable love

and then you walked away

without even waiting

for an explanation

Did I so tarnished the shine

on your badge of piety

that you walked away

without looking back

I watched you go

wanting to run after you

but I was unable

chained there

as I was

by my sin

A slavery I did not choose

I wanted to explain

the reasons

for the things I did

or was forced to do

but you never let me

You dropped your gavel

convicted guilty

sentenced devastation

and walked away

How could you promise so much

and fall so short

not keeping even in part

what I had placed

all my hope in

Was it really that easy for you

to throw it all away

the promises

of forever love

through thick and thin

old and young

or did you

eventually come back

only to find

the empty chain

left behind

by the unwanted freedom

of a slave to your love

When you left

I didn’t stand a chance

the men circled

like vultures

knowing I was dying

my heart crushed and leaking

they picked my carcass clean

eating me alive

even the  bones of my soul

were carried

back to nests

built in lofty mountains

So if you did come back

all you found

was a stain

left behind

by the pain I endured

when you turned

and walked away

never giving me

a chance to say

I’m sorry…

So Free

Sitting still

I hoped not to be noticed

as I watched the view around me

Colors splashed

from every rainbow I’d ever seen

dotting the scenery of your soul

I felt so honored to be there

and worried only when I thought

I might misstep

as I toured the inner you

so few ever got to see

You were a wonderland

a place for me to run away to

and you always let me in

Never shall I forget your kindness

Never shall I forget the wonder that was you

Nor the wonder that was me

when I traipsed across your landscape

Never before and never again

shall I feel so whole

so complete

so free

Her Garden

Her garden

lay as barren

as her soul

Six struggling plants

in dry cracked soil

She waters them

when she thinks to

just to keep them alive

but the chlorinated water

chokes them

turning once lush leaves

to brown

If there is any beauty

to be found

it is deeply hidden

A passing drought

sucked her dry

long ago

but still…

There is a remnant

of her former life

and so

a green smattering of hope

remains in tact

A hope

that when spring rains come

her garden

will once again sprout

and beauty will be found

in growth once burned

by a flaming sun

as life bursts forth 

with promise…

The Struggle

I have met

Light and Love

and though constant companions

they may be

try as I might

I can not seem

to keep fear 

from penetrating me

Persistently I pray

that some day

healing will fully come

but alas...

Perhaps

I shall always walk

with crippled gait

scarred by darkness

long ago inflicted

unable

with fists clenched

to purely reflect

Light

and Love

and Truth

Perchance I strive

for too perfect a perfection

yet I am able only to insist

I seek the reasons for my plight

while left to wonder

if I have missed

the mark

my call

that which I was truly purposed for

or

was there never any purpose at all

It seems I feel and write

from both sides of my self

full of faith

yet full of fear

They war it out

and I wait

hoping 

that the battles end is near

Truly

I would prefer

to always be

in a place of joy

and possess a faith of certainty

but a vessel can only pour forth

that which it contains

and my two sided self

remains

A Bird Flew into the Window Today

A bird flew into the window today

Light tricked

reflecting trees

on the pane

Feathered blue

it thought it was flying through

when BAM!

I looked up

in time to see it

slide down

Limp it lay

motionless on the ground

Life gone

The instant its neck snapped 

it was free

of the pain

lice

cold nights

hot days

food shortages

fear of predators...

Sad, sorry and self focused

I thought of me

still here

long after

like the bird

I was

deceived

believing the reflection

in the deep chocolate pools

of your eyes

Blue sky

and peacefully drifting clouds

I didn't see disaster

until BAM!

Heart snapped

down I slid

helpless to mend

what I had not broken

Am I destined to spin

in endless dusty circles

never to soar again

as I flap

my poorly healed wings?

She Was Sad

She was sad

to have to say she was sad

and frightened

and uncertain

and angry

and all manner of not so positive feelings

all knotted up like a ball of yarn

attacked by a litter of kittens

torn

chewed

tangled

scattered

It seems contrary to the law of nature

to experience so many feelings all at one time

but her very existence

seemed contrary to nature

She should have died a dozen times

wished she'd died a dozen more

but every time she managed to escape

they brought her back

Time and again

she'd moved through the darkness toward the light

only to be yanked back

Life tortured

Death eluded

Another conflict to be pondered

Maybe she just didn't want to meet death badly enough

Maybe something greater

wanted her to stay wrapped in her earthly body

She left it behind more times than she could count

soared here and there without it

but always when her eyelids opened

she would find herself

once again

looking out of those hazel eyes

breathing through the fleshy nose she never liked

Where joy should have greeted

disappointment opened the door

Few understand what it's like

to live a tortured existence

Survival is a poor substitute for life

but for some it's all there is

Maybe I Should Have Spit It Out

There were days

long ago

when everything

seemed to matter more

More than it does now anyway

The truth of reality

or the tug of pessimism?

Am I growing up

or giving up?

Some days it's hard to tell

Is it my aging eyes

that make things dull

or my aging heart

and all the blankets laid over it?

Blankets laid

with good intentions 

to comfort

but that just made the weight heavier

Like the princess  

though it's buried under layers

I can still feel the pea

Oh if it were only a pea

I'd snap it between my teeth

demolish it...

Then again

maybe that's what I did

Maybe that's how the heaviness

became a part of me

You know what they say

We are what we eat

And I swallowed it